I've gone back and forth, and then back and forth again about posting this. This is something that is very personal to me and I am extremely sensitive about. Putting it on the internet opens my husband and me up for comments and questions. I will be honest, I was and still am worried about potential rude comments. So many things can be said behind the mask of internet anonymity. But this weekend, my husband shared this video with me. It took me a day before I was even able to watch it and even then I broke down in tears. But at the end of the video, one woman's advice was to, "Be strong, you never know who you are inspiring." In the face of it, I am trying to be strong and hopefully inspire others.
You see, it's something that starts with an incredible sense of hope and excitement. Then a few months pass and nothing. Maybe you start to use ovulation tests and take your basal body temperature. Maybe you start to chart when your cycles are. As the months go by it seems like everyone you know starts to celebrate their joy of becoming pregnant. And there is still the single line staring back at you each month on your pregnancy test. It's a horrible, emotional roller coaster each month. You are happy for them. A growing life is an absolute miracle. It's an amazing experience and you want to celebrate it with them. But a small part of you asks, Why? Why does it seem like the universe is choosing, or at least not choosing you? Why can't we all be blessed with a little miracle growing inside us? It's hard to keep all the hurt inside. But you also feel like you can't share it. It seems to be right up there with religion, politics, and salary. Talking about struggles makes people uncomfortable. And once they know it, it seems to flavor your whole relationship.
I can only speak to secondary infertility. I can only speak to an 'unspecified' diagnosis. Currently we have no idea why we had no issues becoming pregnant with our little girl almost 4 years ago and now we are struggling so much with a second child. I have learned many things during this process. I have learned what is difficult. It's difficult to balance appointments with spending time with the child you have. It's difficult to choose whether to pursue costly treatment not covered by insurance or to make memories with a family vacation. It's difficult to live life in the moment with your firstborn while dreaming of a future with two. It's difficult to feel the guilt. It's difficult to deal with the stress it puts on your marriage. It's difficult to ask yourself if you are being greedy because you have a beautiful, healthy girl at home and you want another. It's difficult to deal with the questions about adoption, why I'm not pregnant yet, or the stereotypes of only children. It's very difficult to deal with insurance companies and impersonal doctors who place no emphasis on patient care.
1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.